Hot Dogs that Just Appear

This morning I found a hot dog in the toilet. A real hot dog. My guess is maybe it was a Hormel hot dog, but it’s hard to tell at 6AM. I left the hot dog there and went back to bed.

When I woke up a few minutes ago I remembered to go check the hot dog. It’s gone.

A few days ago I found a real hot dog just the same like the one I saw in the toilet this morning stuck to the spines of my cactus plant from the great state of Arizona. I took that hot dog off my cactus. Hot dogs don’t end up on cactus plants in the wild, which is why I took it down, but I don’t know if they can occur in toilets or not which is why I left it alone.

When I was a child all we used to eat were hot dogs. We called them wieners but I know wiener is sort of naughty to say in these United States of America, so I call the hot dogs. We had hot dogs for breakfast, hot dogs for lunch, and hot dogs for dinner. I had hot dogs for afternoon snack as well after my harpsichord lessons.

Now, hot dogs appear in my home, and the ones I know shouldn’t be there I feed to the cats. The ones I see and don’t know if they should appear there, I leave alone. I’ve learned now that those hot dogs that just appear go away on their own.

Donald Trump’s Hair

I learned how to leave comments on other sites now, sites like mine. I don’t know if people read them, but I feel important when I can contribute to a conversation. It makes me feel less like I’m just a guy with a lot of cats and more like someone who should be wearing a silk shirt.

A long time ago I sent an email to Donald Trump because I thought he looked like an interesting person on television. Here’s what the email message said:

Hello Donald Trump, my name is Otto and I have and important compliment to give you.First of all, you never ever say anything bad about anyone. Me too. Even though you fire people, you still say things like “That was hard” or “The was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Was it as tough as, say, hitting your thumb with a hammer two times in a row? Or maybe as tough as accidentally ironing your hand. Irons are very hot, and they can burn. But you do always show gratitude towards people and I bet that’s why you have a television show of your very own.

One big question I have is this. Well, first I need to preface the question with some comments so you can better understand where I’m coming from. My uncle (also named Otto) had a disease once when I was just child. He had such a bad disease that no one could go and see him. He used to be really skinny, like a bean pole, or even funnier, a stick. But after he had this disease and the city officials let him come out of his house he was enormous. He must have had a food eating disease because he was so gigantic he couldn’t get out of the house even though he had been stuck in it for so long. We needed Yugel’s pair of oxen to pull the side of his cabin down so we our village could whip him with traditional reeds and fibers pulled from the lake. This was to cleanse him.

My uncle, before he got sick, had hair that looks like yours I’m sorry to say. Wonderful hair, yes, but it looked very similar to yours, like the Golden Badgers of my youth.

I suggest you talk to your physician, and if he doesn’t prescribe you with some kind of medicine that makes you not eat a lot, you should fire him. I know, funny joke.

Otto Chogenbaakner

 

I got an email message back from a lady named Charles.

Dear Mr. Chogenbakner:Thank you for your concern about Mr. Trump’s hair.

As you’re probably aware, Mr. Trump receives a significant amount of email everyday, and hires people like myself to help answer questions regarding Mr. Trump.

I assure you that Mr. Trump is in perfect physical condition and that his hair is no indicator of his health.

Again, your concern for Mr. Trump is much appreciated.

Sincerely
Charles

 

Charles can go to hell. What is the point of email if you have people answering it for you. I bet she didn’t even talk to Donald Trump at all, and that she just said “this Otto person is surely crazy” and didn’t even think my story about my Uncle was true. Poor Donald. The Donald.

Christmas Shopping

I went to the mall today. I don’t need the Electric Rascal, but I like using it anyways. I can walk the entire mall if I want to, but with the Rascal and I cruise without jostling my head around like all the other people walking around in the mall. I prefer to avoid head jostling.

I needed to find a serious Christmas present for some friends. I’ve been getting a lot of email messages lately that are a bit, shall we say, scary. People keep asking questions about me that border on scary, like questions about my sex life and physical fitness routines. So I won’t tell you who my friends are because they’re famous and I don’t want people going crazy to try and get to my friends through me. That’s using.

Anyways, at the mall I cruised by the sausage and cheese store, and they gave me a sample of sausage. Holy Smoked Sausage, can you say yummy? I cruised right in a bought a case of sausages, and ate four rolls while I cruised. I fed a puppy too. He ate a half roll in two bites.

I bought my friend a whole wheel of cheese, not even just a wedge. The whole thing. Eat it!

I Get Mad

This is America, and I can say this because of the lesser known fact about the fact that this is a free country. When Rush Limbaugh is on the radio do you don’t have idea that he has a fatty flabby neck, but when he shows up on television, it’s the only thing you can think about. As he talks, it shudders and vibrates, and you think “Get that flabby puffy neck out of my face you stupid flab face.”

I have some more things to get mad about. Don’t pick your nose when you drive. That makes me furious to think that you’re putting your finger in your noise and digging out dried snot and then you push the buttons on the ATM. Especially don’t use the ATM after me if you’re just going to go and put your finger in your noise as you rock out to the Beach Boys in your Pontiac. I just fixed my septic tank.

If you want to wrestle me, just say it. Don’t look at me sideways and get shifty. I might just rush you and go right into a Full Nelson hold, and make you eat gravel on my driveway. And stop farting in my door way. My cat Frankenstein knows who farted, always. He was trained.

Carl Karcher and his Ice Skates

I’m so mad I could froth! I got in an argument at the drive through window at Carl’s Jr. with some young person with metal bits poked into their face because she tried to setup an illegal escrow account.

I ordered a Six Dollar Burger without the bun, not to eat, but for something else, and when I got to the window, the idea was that she would tell me the amount, I would show her my $20.00 bill, and she and would arrange the change, and we’d make a perfect trade.

Instead she snatched the bill and at that moment possessed, illegally, both the money I owed her as well as the money she was supposed to give me in return.

I wrote an email to Carl’s Jr.

Dear Carl’s Jr.My name is Otto. You might know about me through my website, for which I’m becoming internationally famous. I like this kind of fame better than the last kind, which was more like me being known to the balloon parade people, and not to people in Spain.

I have something to say that would make Carl Karcher perform a half triple axle full lutz in his grave if he were wearing ice skates to his grave (which no one knows for sure if he is or isn’t).

Your employee at store number #452 setup an illegal escrow account without my consent. I’ve notified my congressman.

Good day.

Jason Kottke Responds

Neighbor Doug came over today with some of my mail. He said they mail people dropped it in the wrong box, and that he opened it without thinking.

My theory is that Doug has been spying on me. I told him that I thought he might be spying on me while he was standing there on my porch in a nylon jog suit. He’d just ran around the block he said, but I think he’d been spying on me from behind my house. I was playing Connect Four when he came over, and I tell that he knew. My African Gray Parrot knows how to play Connect Four, and I haven’t been able to beat him in four years.

Jason Kottke replied to my email about the open zipper problem. He answered my questions pretty clearly. Here’s what he said in response to my question about whether he still walked around in the wide open world with his zipper down:

I haven’t had a problem with that in quite awhile.

When I asked if he thought I could bring my trees to the movies, and confessed to him that I had extreme body odor, he said:

Plants are fine as long as they do not block the view of other movie goers. Pets, I think, should be discouraged unless they are mature enough to handle the adult content of a film like Hannibal. I’d take my cat…he’s pretty cool about watching violence and such on TV.

I think I will respond to his response, because now I have more questions.

Anil Dash. Lover of 20/20

I haven’t had much luck with talking to people who own blogs lately. I think my emails might be too harsh. The next email will be different. I will compliment the blog writer profusely, then cut the chase and lay it on harsh. But I should point out that not all blog owners write things that upset me. I found a blog by a man named Anil (I ran circles through the house giggling when I read that name. I just kept yelling “Anil, Anil, Anil, your name is Anil!” but got over it. I knew someone named Phuc once too, and he got bored of me yelling out his name a lot.).

This Anil fellow is my kind of fellow. I say that, because in 1999, he talked about 20/20, the television show. I love 20/20 the television show, especially John Stossel and his strong commentary about where to shove it.

I wrote Anil an email message. I hope he responds.

Dear Anil Dash,My name is Otto, and I have some comments about your blog, and also I’d like to compliment you profusely whenever possible.

I was searching the Internet for a type of cream good for reducing inflammations of one sort or the other from too much mechanical bull riding or various sledding related issues (winter is coming), and found your blog, which I have to compliment you on, is simply fantastic, though I’ve only read one page.

In September of the year 1999, you mentioned that you liked 20/20 the television show. Maybe you and I are related?

I love 20/20 the television show, mainly because I know a secret! Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters have never worn any pants on the show, and enjoyed hiding the fact that instead of pants, they were wearing diapers. The desk covers it. It wasn’t until recently when Hugh Downs left the show that Barbara Walters began covering her lower half, but up until then, it was diapers on the lower halves only.

I know this. You can try to argue that I don’t, but you will fail, even though I agree that 20/20 the television show is tops. I know this because I’m an expert at reading facial expressions. I ran a business during the 80’s that specialized in this, and a large part of my abundant wealth (which I’m not ashamed of, and use to lavish my cats and go on trips) was gained by appearing as an expert witness. I’m what you might call a facial expert.

I saw John Stossel glance down at Barbara’s lower half once when he was doing a segment about gypsies that re-roofed homes with graham crackers and stole all your valuables when you weren’t in the know. With that glance, I learned the secret. I think you should write about that on your blog.

I have a question about your blog, which is complimentary, I might add. Do you ever write about fish? Even if it’s just to talk about how maybe you saw one jump in the air, or maybe ate one raw or perhaps saw one in a fish store? If so, how often, and if not, why not?

Also, I posted this email message on my website, which isn’t a blog. It’s just a website. I don’t yet accept the term blog mainly because it sounds like something my doctor would say was stuck in various pipes or hoses within my body. If you reply, I will put your email message on my website to show that you answer email. No one else does. I even emailed Jason Kottke about his problem with zipping his pants, and he hasn’t replied. I emailed Andy Biao about his hatred of humanity, and he replied. I hope you reply.

Otto Chogenbaakner.
Vote for Otto in 2008

 

I’m currently awaiting Anil’s response.