Category Archives: 1

Executive Assistance Rules

I bought three executive assistance from the internet ages ago!

But today they arrived wearing suits. So I gave them their first task. Here the rules. If you want to be my executive assistance you can follow these rules:

  1. Wear leather sandals.
  2. Wear black suits.
  3. Wrap a red neck tie around your neck.
  4. Walk to a Sushi store.
  5. Count to 10 after the door closes behind you.
  6. Bend in half but do not fall over.
  7. Note the floor covering. Is it dirt? Is it marble? Is it cork?
  8. While still bended in half, speak these words as loud as you can without getting a gravel throat sound: I represent Otto Chogenbaakner. Otto Chogenbaakner may visit your Sushi store establishment. May I use your latrine?
  9. Note the condition of the latrine. Is it hairy? Is it white? Is it spacious?
  10. Use the latrine. Is it comfortable? Is it sturdy? Is the flushing sound aggressive? Does it need two activations or one?
  11. Emerge from the latrine and in your loudest voice again say: who here used this latrine most recently?
  12. Note the condition of the latrine patron. Are they flakey? Are they pleasant to sniff? Do they have pets?
  13. Stand in a place where you can see the door and the man cutting the fish with his knives.
  14. Wait until someone asks you to leave. Note the amount of time this takes.
  15. Go home and sleep until the next day, and do it over again at a new Sushi store establishment.
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Pantene Pro Dung and Pantene Pro Dung Beetles

I found some bumps in my neck pit and knew I needed to write a letter to Pantene again. We talk sometimes.

Felicitations Panteiners,

My name is Otto. Otto Chogenbaakner. We have exchanged text before. Do you remember when I asked for One Handed shampoo and you told me to rub shampoo on my foot? That was in 2003, and my left foot is supple now.

Guess what! It’s 2009 and I still use Pantene with the professional vitamins for my hair. Did you know I use it on all my hair? Thank you for all of my clean hair.

Agenda:
1. I have a question about your products.
2. I will share an idea that will please the earth lovers and make a lot of money.

Do you have a product for hair washing specifically formulated for hair that grows in delicate places? I have two delicate places on my body. Most people have three, but I insist I have two. I apply professional Shampoo to those delicate areas and scrub the shampoo into my two delicate areas. I also use it to soften corns on my feet. Instead of an elephant brush, I use synthetic steel wool and Pantene Pro V Shampoo and Conditioner on my corns. What is synthetic steel wool anyways? If you know, fine.

I have an idea that will please the earth lovers and make a lot of money for your entire company. I only need to write the instructions from the box to convince you:

Place a grapefruit or pomello sized ball of Pantene Pro Dung in your left hand depending on the amount of hair. Starting from the tips, working towards the root, work Pantene Pro Dung into a lather. While still damp, open the medium sized crate of Pantene Pro Dung Beetles carefully, and place 8 to 14 Pantene Pro Dung Beetles on damp hair. Repeat as desired.

I need not continue. If your superiors don’t understand, tell them that earth lovers want products that use no eletricity, and products that don’t strangle sea turtles. Dung is another word for feces. Dung beetles compete with each other to see which dung beetle can collect the largest mountain of feces. When you rub feces in your hair, the feces binds to the dirt molecules in your hair, and then the dung beetles fight over who can get the most feces out of your hair.

Here’s what we cannot tell the earth lovers: we’re tricking these dung beetles into collecting dirty dung. The dirt is excreted by our hair. If the earth lovers knew this, they’d tell beetles. Beetles that know would need to be destroyed. I have a machine for this. If you do your marketing right, we won’t need it.

Thank you. I love the new Pantene Pro V bottle design and flavor! Please answer my question about the delicate parts. Please send my royalty checks for Pantene Pro Dung and Pantene Pro Dung Beetles to the address listed below.

Otto. Otto Chogenbaakner
Freelance Professional Web Log Author

I wrote this. I am waiting for the Pantene Team to respond. Please do not steal the idea of Pantene Pro Dung and Pantene Pro Dung Beetles.