I wrote a letter to Olive Garden again. This time they responded in just a few days. My mouth is watering! After you read this exchange you’ll want to eat at Olive Garden.
Dear Olive Garden Italian Food Store,
My name is Otto Chogenbaakner. You might remember me from when I wrote you a letter on real paper a decade ago. I told you that I love breadsticks and mentioned my condition that produces odors that are offensive and illegal in some provinces and about Benjamin, my ficus tree. I can’t remember what happened after that because of frequent fainting and insobriety.
I LOVE breadsticks, and I love Olive Garden noodles and sauces. I have two very important questions that are actively burning in my bosom:
I still have the odor. If you remember, the odors start in my folds. My assistant Hu doesn’t speak any language as far as I can tell, but she knows exactly what to do about my folds. Every other night Hu bursts into my new flat in San Francisco, America, and begins wailing and awful haunting chattery wailing sound. She always finds me and subdues me with fast motions and strikes me mercilessly. Then she powders my folds with Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Then I nap. When I wake up she’s gone, but always she has left the devil Gordon Ramsey on my TV flat display. He is a devil this Gordon. Maybe you’ve met him?
I have a new condition that found me in Reno that requires that I have my leaning dog with me at all times. This is what I want to talk about.
If I don’t have my leaning dog to lean upon I spin around the room like one of those fire toys children throw around on July the 4th of July day in Texas. This part isn’t funny: I sound and smell like those fire blossoms when I’m not able to lean against Despertado Burro, my leaning dog. But I don’t produce flames!
Despertado Burro is the name given to him by his Mexican parents in Mexico. In Spanish, it means Stalwart Mexican Mountain Beast. You know what it means in Italian. He was purchased in Mexico and because he’s a dog he didn’t need a passport.
My first question: what day would be good for me to bring my leaning dog and his handlers in so that we might partake of your breadsticks and perfect noodles?
Despertado Burro requires vegetable matter. My assistant Hu will want to comfort the dog by sitting on his back and covering his eyes. Hu is at least 80 years old. I will lean against him. I ask that you don’t be alarmed if Hu whips stripes into his flanks – sometimes it’s the only way to distract him from his job of allowing me to lean up to his left side. Do not be alarmed if his pants fall off. That’s Hu’s job. Do not be alarmed if Hu falls asleep. Do not be alarmed if you see Hu’s designated areas. She is supernatural.
I have no idea who his handlers are, but they will catch his fecal matter and his expressions of urine. He’d like to order the Caesar salad. The handlers and my assistant Hu are to be ignored.
My second question: do your Olive Garden Italian Family Homestyle Food Establishments provide tours of the olive garden? I am not fond of olives in particular, nor of gardens, but I’m what you might call a professional Web Logger, and have an intense desire to talk about your garden on my Web Log.
I thank you. I cannot wait for the endless breadsticks and tarts. Please answer as soon as you can. I could rent out the entire restaurant!
Otto. Otto Chogenbaakner.
Profession Web Logger
Phoebe responded so quickly!
The Olive Garden family of restaurants, as you are certainly aware, receive countless emails and phone calls praising our dining experience. We strive to respond to each customer – surely you understand that it’s impossible to remember every letter, especially one from ten years ago.
Please allow me to answer your questions about dining at a local Olive Garden Restaurant.
We do allow trained helper dogs and some horses provided they are muzzled, and provided that you carry with you the proper training certification paperwork.
To be specific: full size horses, burros, donkeys, or mules are not allowed. Miniature horses such as a Shetland that have undergone proper work animal training are acceptable, as are dogs with the same training.
We ask that you do not feed your work animal while in the restaurant. We will not allow you to feed your dog an Olive Garden salad.
Regarding your second question – the name Olive Garden was inspired by the olive gardens of Tuscany in Italy. We even established the Olive Garden Culinary Institute of Tuscany in 1999, a cooking school teaching our team members the art of preparing authentic Italian food.
I hope I can assistance you again soon.
Customer Service Advocate