Offensive Words About Cat Poo

I have a brain that’s pretty good. I won’t lie. Which is how I figured out how to speak English by eating at sit down restaurants and from nurses and from my job as a balloon maker for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. If you have ever beheld a massive flying snoopy shape then you saw the fruit of my loom.

So when my neighbor Doug says to me “your cat pood in my garden again” I tell him that the poop is his cousin. It sounds horrible but it’s factual. My cells are made of dirt, and cat poo is made of dirt and Doug and his 100 year old mother (he bathes her in the front yard) will be all dirt any moment.

This is when I lifted up my shirt and tried to show Doug and his mom the dirt in my navel, but then he slapped me in the face.

But I didn’t have time to slap him back in the face. The delivery driver arrived with three new computer keyboards for me and it was time to seal them from the elements using rubber cement. I have a body fluid control disorder. I need three keyboards and they need to be covered in rubber cement because they won’t last long if I don’t do it.

So I covered my teeth in rubber cement too to try it out. The brush felt like getting licked in the mouth by wild coyotes, which happened to me once, but I’ll tell it another time. Wild!

After it dried, I sent an email to the Elmer’s Glue Factory:

Dear Glue Chefs and Cheftesses!

My name is Otto. Otto Chogenbaakner is my first and last name. I have a few questions about the Rubber Cement product that you must squeeze out of a tube into little jars during the night shifts.

Where do you get the bristles for the exquisite brushes in the jars? Did you know that your factory workers are sneaking brushes into your jars of glue?

I was once very lost and drank a lot of really bad fluids and found myself in the desert. I walked for days without seeing any human beings. I found a pack of saltine crackers though. One night I decided to do what human beings do at night – sleep! Can you blame me? I mean really, who wouldn’t?

Well, I had a dream about goats that spoke Spanish, and they had ten foot tongues and when they spoke to me their tongues travelled across a pit filled with beetles and their tongues headed right for my throat, except my smiling teeth blocked them.

Then I woke up, and there was a pack of coyotes licking me on my teeth! Wild! I vomited a little pile of saltines right there and earned their respect until I was rescued by a throng of lesbians in a jeep who gave me a haircut and some Powerade.

Did you know that when you use Rubber Cement on your teeth that it feels exactly like coyotes waking you up from a thrilling dream?

I can picture using my imagination an entire array of trapped coyotes who have been bred to keep licking. Under their cage is a little door, and out pops a rubber cement brush. A night crew man takes the brush, brushes his teeth with it, then leans over to the coyote’s wagging tongue and lets the coyote lick his teeth. Without a doubt the crew man yells out “PASS” if they feel the same, and “REJECT” if they don’t. Do you do that?

Do you use animals to make your glue, the sticky part? Some animals have very sticky drool. Oxen.

Do you have bulk sizes I can purchase? I can afford whatever you have, and if you have enough I’ll take three pallets for a project I’m thinking about.

Can you please send me a catalog and some samples?

Otto. Otto Chogenbaakner.

Stick around!

I didn’t expect a reply so quickly, but I got one, in less than an hour! From Drew.

Dear Mr. Chogenbakner,

We’re pleased that you are so enthusiastic about Elmer’s Rubber Cement. We’re sending you a sampler package that includes our new Elmer’s Nano Glue, as well as a registration form to join our Glue Crew – we think you’ll be pleased with Elmer’s Nano Glue just as much as you will be with our innovative Elmer’s Glue Recycling Program.

Now, to answer your specific questions:

“Where do you get the bristles for the exquisite brushes in the jars? Did you know that your factory workers are sneaking brushes into your jars of glue?”

The bristles in the 4oz Elmer’s Rubber Cement Jars are made from synthetic nylon strands. We include the brush as a courtesy for our customers.

“Did you know that when you use Rubber Cement on your teeth that it feels exactly like coyotes waking you up from a thrilling dream?”

This is the first time we’ve had anyone mention that – namely because it’s probably not very healthy. While relatively safe, swallowing rubber cement could cause severe stomach upset, vomiting or diarrhea. The adhesive should also be used in a well ventilated area because of the possible hazard of inhaling the evaporative agents in the adhesive. I would strongly suggest that you don’t apply Elmer’s Rubber Cement to your teeth or any other part of your body.

“Do you use animals to make your glue, the sticky part? Some animals have very sticky drool. Oxen.”

No animals are used to make Elmer’s Rubber Cement.

“Do you have bulk sizes I can purchase? I can afford whatever you have, and if you have enough I’ll take three pallets for a project I’m thinking about.”

I’ve included in your sample pack our 2008 Industrial Adhesives Catalog – you should be able to find what you’re looking for there at any quantity. I’ve CC’d one of our corporate account sales persons who will follow up with a more specific email response to your question about bulk sales of Elmer’s Rubber Cement.

Thank you continuing to make Elmer’s Products, Inc. an iconic brand.

Drew Stephan
Consumer Relations Manager
Elmer’s Products, Inc.

Exciting! I have to reply, but right now I’m exhausted and feel sick. I ate a tiny fresh pumpkin and my head is going to explode. I also filled Doug’s trash cans with delivered meat and hair. I’ll tell that story another time.

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