I Say Hello Jason

Doug, my neighbor, was over yesterday with his pet albino white ball python wrapped around his neck like he was the Queen of England or something. That Doug! I swear I could punch him in the kidneys or twist my heal on his toes!

We got into an argument about computers. He said, as condescending as ever, “Otto, you’re not the only one writing a blog” and so I offered him a Kleenex with Lotion. He was confused, and then we were both confused, and I asked him to start over to avoid all of the confusion. We got into a scuffle when I made him go out the door and ring my doorbell again, but finally he agreed because I was twisting his nipple at least a whole rotation.

When Doug came over the second time he said the word “blog” again, but this time I was too smart for him, and realized he was trying to push my buttons. I said “Doug, I think you can shut the hell up about blogs” which again, made things awkward. Doug said “Do you even know what a blog is?” and I said “Yeah, it’s a word you made up to push my buttons. Would you like a Marshmellow Peep or the rest of a Baby Ruth bar that grossed me out?” He took the peep and said “Blogs are sites like yours, which by the way I don’t like how you portray me, that people write stuff on, like you.”

Doug thinks I’m cruel, and portray him wrong, but he doesn’t read the site so he doesn’t know. I think he looks like he might be getting bloated, and think it’s from all the exercising he does.

To make a long story short, I now acknowledge that I’m not the only one who does this. I did a search, and found a site called kottke.org. The site say it’s run by Jason Kottke. I decided to email Jason.

Dear Jason,My name is Otto, and I write a blog too. I have lot’s of questions, so what I do is email people and ask them questions, and then sometimes they answer back. I once emailed the country of Romania, and a fine gentlemen who sewed underwear in a factory answered my questions, but I couldn’t understand anything he wrote back. It was as if he was on another planet speaking in reverse.

I have question about you and your blog.

Do you still have problems with leaving your fly down after you use the facilities like you mentioned in April of 1999? Is it possible that maybe, like me, your belly got really huge really quickly, perhaps from eating too many Wheat Thins? My problem is that when I remember to use the facilities and I’m ready to face the rest of the world again, I don’t remember if I zipped or not, and I get stuck in this excruciating quandary of whether or not I really did or didn’t zip my fly, and are my crown jewels visible to all the people or not? Will they notice if I check? But if I check, they’ll surely notice, and I can’t see over my belly that literally grew overnight no help from the Wheat Thins. I’ve taken up wearing sweat pants to reduce this from happening.

In February of 2001 you cautioned parents against letting children watch Hannibal in the theater. I think you’re right. But what do you think about pets, or plants? The Olive Garden asked that I not bring my Ficus Tree, Benjamin, to their eating establishments, but didn’t have a problem with my extreme body odor, despite the fact that it reminds people of egg salad sandwiches and taquito sauce with a dash of crab.

Thank you for answering my questions. I hope you don’t mind, but I usually post all my replies to my email messages on my website at toottoot.org. I usually don’t tell devil worshipping unholiest of the holies baby eating corporations like Curves that I plan on exposing them, but I can tell you’re a human being just like me with the desire to talk about your latest things. Hopefully that doesn’t scare you away.

Thank You.

Otto Chogenbaakner. 


I decided to publish this even though Jason hasn’t replied. I’m impatient.


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