Cheese

I lost my domain name. I’m not sure what happened, but now it’s all broken. So no one can read this right now. But you will be able to once I get a new name. I’m thinking really hard about what to get, but I’m not sure. It will need to be catchy. I’m learning about the internets, and realize that there are certain things you have to do in order to be popular, and disregarding my voluptuousness, having a catchy name helps.

The other night I was eating Swiss cheese from the country of Switzerland, where I’ve visited, and then fell asleep in my chair while watching The Practice.

When I woke up, a man on the television was imploring me to buy his vacuum cleaner. It picked up bowling balls and cleaned up all of his messes where he spilled metal nuts and bolts on the kitchen floor. I couldn’t think of when I’ve ever needed to clean up bowling balls. As I was thinking about nuts, my tongue found a little bit of cheese in my mouth and my first thought, I hate to say it, was that a booger had fallen into my mouth. Either it was my own booger, or one of the cats’ or neighbor’s boogers, but it was a booger.

But then I found the cheese package in my lap, and was relieved.

I decided to email the cheese council and ask them a few questions.

Greetings Cheese Council,My name is Otto, and I have some questions for you.

I found some cheese in my mouth the other night and thought for sure it was, well, a booger. That’s really disgusting isn’t it? But that got my mind racing.

Why do we love cheese, as human beings in America, yet we are disgusted and horrified by boogers? Note that recently I wasn’t able to tell the difference! It was so frightening, I didn’t know whether to enjoy the particle in my mouth or to spew it out and go beat up a dog.

Have you ever been so mad you felt like beating up a dog, as if you were Mike Tyson? Imagine my fear as a crumb of Swiss ended up in my mouth after a heavy nap, and I thought maybe the dog had been licking my face in my sleep again and misplaced some of his nose waste.

Granted, a sharp cheddar is more likely to be mistaken as nose waste, but in my sleepy state, Swiss did the job.

Would you agree that perhaps human beings in America are hypocrits, and that secretly we really enjoy the taste of boogers, and instead of just being honest with ourselves we set up these elaborate and complicated systems to replicate the taste of boogers and say we invented the taste ourselves?

Is it illegal to make Swiss cheese outside of Switzerland? I went to Switzerland once, and while I was there I toured a castle. The tour guide at the castle declined my challenge of a quicky arm wrestle, but invited me to fondue at his house later that night. Isn’t fondue just like snot? Am I stepping over the line here?

Thanks for all of the cheese!

Otto

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