Andy Hates Slurpees

I’m a bit upset about this Andy fellow I ran across today. I’m really getting into blogs, and the very first thing Andy ever writes is that he won’t talk about going to 7-11 and getting a Slurpee.

It’s plainly obvious that Andy is a hater of Slurpees, which if you boil it down even further, means that Andy is a hater of humanity. Humanity brought us Slurpees, therefore if you hate Slurpees, you hate humanity.

So I wrote Andy an email message asking him why he hates humanity.

Dear Andy,My name is Otto, and I want to know why you hate humanity.

It’s evident from reading your blog that you indeed hate humanity, and I can prove it by pointing you to the very first blog entry you ever wrote. You claim that you won’t talk about going to 7-11 and getting a Slurpee, and as all humanity knows and fully comprehends, Slurpees are an invention brought to you by your fellow human race, and therefore if you eschew Slurpees, you hate humanity.

And while I’m saying nothing about my own personal sexual orientation, your brother was very handsome on Charles in Charge. Why isn’t he doing television any more? And it’s perfectly acceptable to call another man handsome without questions of sexual orientation coming into play. I used to have a manservant who had posters of Fabio in equal number to posters of Farah Fawcett. Interestingly, when you think about it, they look strikingly similar with feathered hair and provactive come hither looks.

Also, I plan on posting your response on my website, toottoot.org. Normally I don’t any warning. I like to blindside people with my wit in a public forum such as websites, but I only do that to satan loving carnage promoting sinful-and-proud corporations like AARP. They truly are Godless (which says nothing of my religious orientation – it’s simply a manner of speaking).

Finally, I’m going to forward your response to the Slurpee company and see what they think.

Thank you.

Otto Chogenbaakner.

 

Andy replied very quickly. Maybe he was sitting there waiting for anyone, just anyone to email him like I do sometimes.

The story of Slurpee began in 1959 with a broken soda fountain machine in Kansas.  When Omar Knedlik’s soda machine broke at his drive-in hamburger restaurant, he began serving icy-cold bottled soft drinks from his freezer. Customers fell in love with the slushy drinks, sparking Knedlik to come up with the idea of creating soft-serve frozen drinks.After failed attempts to create a machine to make his icy beverages, Knedlik contacted the John E. Mitchell Company, a Dallas machinery manufacturer in 1959.  Mitchell was attracted to the idea and began working with an auto-mobile air conditioner to create a machine that would freeze carbonated soft drinks that could be served in a sherbet-like form and would be slurped through a straw.  Mitchell named his creation the Icee machine because it used a complex system to freeze the beverages so they could be served at any icy 28 degrees.

Although a revolution in the soft drink field, Mitchell’s frozen drinks were not a huge
success with retailers.  He tried selling his machines to drugstores and restaurants between
1960 and 1965, but the product’s novelty and stores’ inexperience with refrigeration
equipment kept the Icee from making an impact. But a chance encounter by a 7-Eleven manager
would forever change the success of the frozen beverage.

While visiting a competitor’s store in 1965, a 7-Eleven zone manager came across one of Mitchell’s machines and thought it had a huge potential for success.  In the fall of 1965, 7-Eleven purchased three machines to test the product in their stores.  They were an immediate success, and by the spring of 1967, the machines were in almost every 7-Eleven location.

Sold in the stores originally as Icee, 7-Eleven decided that this new product needed its own brand.  The name was created in May 1967 during a brainstorming session at 7-Eleven’s in-house ad agency.  While drinking the product through a straw, agency director Bob Stanford commented that it made a slurping
sound.  The Slurpee phenomenon was born.

For the past 32 years, Slurpee has evolved from Fulla-Bulla to Fire Water to Shrek-a-licious.  But no matter what we call it, it will always be The Coolest Drink on Earth.

My name is Andrew Baio, and I approve this message.

                                        — Andy.

 

Andy’s extensive knowledge of the Slurpee has put me back on my heels a bit. Clearly his hatred is intense, and he camps in the field where knowing your enemy is considered good strategy. The level of hatred is nearly incomprehensible if this is the case.

I replied with the following:

Dear Andrew Baio,My name is Otto and this is a reply to the last email message you sent me with the extensive history of the Slurpee. The Slurpee haven’t replied yet as I’m sure you know they’re busy creating new Slurpee recipes such as Shrek-A-Licious and no doubt Shark Froth-ee. On a tangent, I will email Slurpee and ask if they do indeed plan to introduce Shark Froth-ee in honor of the current box office smash hit starring talking sharks.

I see through your trick. Only one who knows loathes humanity such as you would study so hard to know your enemy. Me, I don’t even know if there is a new flavor coming out, but I’d wager you’ve broken down the key ingredients to Shark Froth-ee and have discovered that there is only small proportions of Gaping Shark, Whale Shark, or Blue Shark in the mix.

I have a question for you. Why waxy.org? I’m curious because I’ve had troubles with wax build up before in my ears. I was in Europe (I won’t say where, I still mistrust you) and had to see a medical professional who employed a machine that remedied my problem. I have since purchased this machine and use it on a regular basis for both my ears, and for Frank, the vomiting cat up until he was eaten by a badger. You can read it on my website if you’d like the whole story, but the badger chewed a part of my neighbor Doug’s face also.

I’m on to you! Your Slurpee knowledge doesn’t fool me!

Sincerely,
Otto Chogenbaakner

PS: You completely dodged the questions about your brother. It’s plain to see that everyone knows.

 

We’ll see how that goes.

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