I was watching television the other night, and the news anchorman said, smugly, “Diane, did you know that that after Ivan, Jeanne is going to come blow my house down, and that after Jeanne, it will then be Karl, then Lisa, Matthew, Nicole, and then, there will be a hurricane that breaks the scales named Otto?”. Stupid Diane said “I didn’t not know that Chip” and continued eating her French Fries right there on Local Television.
Stupid Diane should know better. Otto, the hurricane, is going to make Ivan look like an ant on a pyramid. Otto the Hurricane is my hurricane that I’ve been saving up. It’s even listed here on the official site.
It all stems from the time I spent in Florida as a farmer of sorts. It’s hard to call it farming, because all I did was find dead animals that had either died from being old or got hit by cars and fed them to a seething pit of alligators.
I swore there on that day, the day I fed the last crocodile I’ve ever fed, that I’d summon whatever powers might exist in the vast and almighty atmosphere and cause that a mighty hurricane should be born in the year 2004 called Otto.
But now that I think about it, I don’t want people to die. So I wrote to the weather people and ask that that please change Hurricane Otto to Hurricane Stupid Diane, in honor of Stupid Diane on the evening news. Here’s my email:
Greetings Fellow Weather Enthusiast,My name is Otto, and you have plans to use my name for one of your hurricanes events.
In light of the fact that your hurricanes break down houses and put boats on dry land (where they don’t belong) I’d like to ask that you not use the name Otto for your hurricane, and that instead, you call it Stupid Diane from the Evening News. I think this would be a good idea, because for one, it means that people won’t look at me when I’m buying groceries and think I had something to do with the greatest and biggest hurricane ever witnessed by human beings or the Earth or even Universe. But for another reason, think of the publicity you’d get from calling a hurricane Stupid Diane from the Evening News. How many hurricanes have had such a colorful name.
Think of it. When Stupid Diane of the Evening News (the real Diane) is doing her news report on Tuesday night, she’ll say “Good Evening. I’m [Stupid] Diane of the Evening News. Tonight we’d like to report that Hurricane Stupid Diane of the Evening News is going to flatten your mobile home, and give you serious splinters. Stupid Diane of the Evening News is reporting sustained wind speeds of 298mph, which is faster than Nascar. Stupid Diane of the Evening News will likely scare you into really getting out of town and going to Nebraska where it’s safe from Stupid Diane of the Evening News. Good Night, I’m [Stupid] Diane of the Evening News.
It would certainly improve ratings.
PS: Where can I buy an Ivan T-Shirt?
PPS: My lawyer has sent you a royalties agreement, if you decide not to call the hurricane Stupid Diane of the Evening news and instead use my name.