If you’re in the mood for lobster, but you hate spiders and items with legs, then you’re going to love Krab. I heard about Krab on the radio. Someone in the Pacific Northwest figured out that if you take a bunch of ground fish, and you squeeze it into a thing sort of like a granola bar, then you have the same thing that makes up the guts of lobster, because lobster is just fish guts on the inside.
I emailed the makers of Krab with some questions, which I’ve copied and pasted below from my email program.
Dear Makers of Krab,My name is Otto, and you’re my favorite makers of food that is supposed to be one thing, but is actually something else entirely. You took over the spot in my heart for the Tofurkey, which was actually an entire turkey made entirely out of Tofu, which is a kind of cheese they eat in Japan. You can’t go wrong with Japanese cheese.
I have some questions about Krab.
Do you ever produce granola bar shaped Krab products? I used to be a great hiker, and I like most of my food in granola bar shapes. When Kudos became the rage in the late 80’s, all I ever ate were Kudos bars, which were healthy and kept the pipes running like a Ferrari. So many flavors too.
Have you considered talking to Kudos about making Kudos Krab?
I’m curious also, do you ever need taste testers? You could ship me some Krab meat in a bucket with ice, and I’ll taste it, and send back the ones that don’t taste good. You’ll know I tested it, because you’ll see that I bit into the bar.
I have a big lobster costume that I could wear when I go to the mall, and because I have bigger lungs than most people, I could spend a lot of my time yelling about how people will really like Krab. Image this line, it’s good: “Hey. Hey! Everyone. Mall shoppers of America, and foreign tourists. Look at the lobster! I love Krab! That is spelled with a capital K because that’s part of the thing about Krab, that it’s not really crab meat, or lobster meat, but it’s the same thing as the guts of crabs and lobsters when it really comes down to it because it’s make of pressurized fish left overs from the sushi makers in the Pacific Northwest!” I could even say that in Spanish for the foreign tourists, and a maybe even in the Austrian language. I don’t know how to spell Austrian, but it might sound like this: “Doshe vegnevegnavario! Krab vost mocha horshtnevgevener beg beg!” Austrian is shorter.
Please send me some stickers so I can put them on my Rascal electric vehicle. It uses batteries. Please don’t send batteries, it needs a special kind that you can’t buy in stores. I’ll take any Krab you want to send me too.
I’m waiting for a reply.
I need to go now.