I am in another country, but did you know that I can’t tell you where I am? I got on a train yesterday night and promptly fell asleep with my face against the window. When I woke up, I was sunburned on my starboard side, and my mouth had become bone dry from letting all the precious moisture leak out onto my arm. The last time that happened, I had to hold water in my mouth without swallowing for three hours.
I’m on my way to Danzig. (That’s in Germany). From Danzig I will travel through Munchmaster to a little town in Austria called Holchamspitze, where I will be shaved, slapped, and moisturized. There are rivers there that flow with water from the great and ancient Austrian glaciers, and I’ll use that water to flush out my system, to help cleanse my insides. This isn’t easy you know (I’d like to see you try). You have to drink from a hose all day long. If you’re not swallowing a mouthful of special water, you better be breathing or yelling obscenities.
I sent a few postcards, but the neighbor kid says his scanner is broken, so I sent him some money to go fix the problem and stop moaning about things. I called him through the help of space, and the many satellites that orbit our planet. Do you think that space dwellers ever get curious about what the heck our satellites really do? I mean, are they noisy? Do they have an odor? Or do they just sit there?
If I found a satellite in my yard, I’d probably try to bury it, like I did with the horses, except it’s been so long I’m afraid I’d dig them up on accident.
In Danzig, I’m looking forward to listening to some sinister devil music. I bought a T-Shirt at the Salvation Army in Patterson New Jersey that didn’t bind up in my armpits, and whenever I’d go mall walking the teenagers would give me the “I love you” sign. I’d give the “I love you sign” back, and they’d beat on me mercilessly. One kind teenager, after helping me find my lower left bicuspid by standing on my head (for leverage against the fulcrum of my stomach) said “Dude, if you’re going to wear a Danzig T-Shirt, you better stop wearing floral print speedos, and maybe listen to their music so you can get an idea of what the hell you’re advertising.”
So I went to Sam Goody and bought a Danzig cassette, and did you know it’s music of the Devil? But I’m fine with that, because the Devil never did me any harm, and I do try practicing laughs and “A-Hahs!” like I think the devil might if he were sneaking up on say a Parrot or a Human.
Also, in Danzig, I’m going to spend a week with my old friend Gunter Grass. I met Gunter after he wrote a book called Der Butt. I liked the title, and wrote him a letter. He responded, and now I’m going to give him a surprise visit! A little while ago, he one a Nobel Prize! How exciting! We shall have weiners!
The battery in my tape recorder is running out. I will use DHL to send this micro cassette to the neighbor kid and I swear if he doesn’t transcribe every word of this tape and insert parentheses where I’ve said “left paren” and “right paren” (kid, don’t actually put the parentheses in on the previous set, but if you don’t do it on this one, I’ll kill your snake with an iron like I did to Bill) then I’ll stick pins in his eyes when he’s sleeping.