I’m going on vacation soon. I’m so excited, because the last time I went anywhere was a few years ago. I’ve made all the arrangements. Bruce and Benjamin are going to be watched by the neighbor kid, and the cat just takes care of itself, eating off the pineapple tree in the backyard. Tonight I’m eating the fish, who have no names because fish aren’t people.
I’ve taken great pains to make sure I can stay connected to this website when I go. I intend to send post cards from my vacation to the neighbor kid. I’ve promised to trade him my collection of statues I carved of Political Figures Caught in a Moment of Confusion if he scans the postcards and puts them up here. He’s always looking at those statues, and talking about how he wants to practice speeches in front of them and stuff. He’s a bit funny for a kid, always wearing a Frenchie Beret and smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe.
What’s the occasion of going on vacation, you ask? No, it’s not because the scaly rash cleared up! I’ve reached a time in my life that I’ve been looking forward to for my whole life. Since I was a boy, I’ve been growing my hair out as long as I can stand, and once a year, getting my hair cut by Old Man McDougalsby. Old Man McDougalsby used to be the gym coach, and was also my neighbor when I was a kid. Once a year, he’d cut my hair with his Bowie knife, and I’d save it in mayonaise jars.
Every boy has reason to look forward to the one day, the pinnacle of their life, when they have enough hair clippings to have a tailor made suit of their own hair. I’ve reached that peak, and it’s time for me to travel to the far reaches of Austria, where a man more famous than any other man for crafting the finest hair suits and apparel ever will weave cloth out my hair, and tailor a jaunty suit for me with matching overcoat, sleeping bag, and luggage.
While in Austria, I’ll travel to some of the most popular tourist destinations, and I’ll send back some postcards for your enjoyment. I’ll let you know when I’m leaving, down to the exact second, when I know myself (stop poking my ribs, be patient).