My Sore Neck

I’ve been in bed for three days! I slept for two of those days, and when I woke up, I was so confused. I thought maybe I’d gone into a coma again, and it was 2008, and that maybe I’d have to figure out what happened all over again.

I went down for a nap on Sunday night after watching the Lawrence Welk show on PBS. Whatever happened to the beehive? I always thought beehives were keen, and I wished that I could be a woman and have one too.

I woke up yesterday morning thinking that it was still Sunday night. My cat Boris was licking my eyelids. Why do cats do that? It feels like they’re going to rip your eyelids right off, making it so you have to waddle around with lidless eyes, forever staring, staring, staring. Boris was hollering at me for food, so I went downstairs to the basement to get a can of Fancy Feast out of the pantry. That’s when it hit me, on the fourth step down. It was morning – the sun was shining, and I still thought it was Sunday night. How stupid of me.

I fed Boris his Fancy Feast (Salmon and Cod) and went to get the Monday paper. Zoiks! Two newspapers were on my porch. I thought “Stupid idiot purile snot nosed kid, threw two papers, I’ll spray him with the hose again.” but then I saw the dates, and I was suddenly living in the future. It took me 20 minutes to put it all together. I missed Monday.

Boris gagged and hacked up something while eating, which shook me from my thoughts. I bent down, and looked at what Boris hacked, and the strangest thing – there was a little green army man in his Fancy Feast. So I went upstairs, and emailed Fancy Feast a letter:

Hello, my name is Otto!I have a cat named Boris. He has seven toes on each foot. He’s a calico cat, and likes to eat donuts with sprinkles. I have a serious question, and please, I beg you, don’t give me a crooked answer. I need to get to the bottom of this.

I was in a day long coma, and Boris was sorely hungry when I woke up. I fed him a can of Fancy Feast (Salmon and Cod) and you won’t EVER believe what was in the can. You might guess that it was just Salmon and Cod and odd bits of fish flesh, but you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. In that very can of Fancy Feast there was a little green army man, holding a pair of little green binoculars up to his face, scouting for enemy troops.

What do you think of this? Also, do you have any recipes that use Fancy Feast?



After I sent it, I went back upstairs to sleep. If I had slept for so long before, I must be ill. I popped four One-A-Day Multi Vitamins, and went back to sleep on my pillow developed by Nasa for the Astronauts in outer space. I woke up this morning and got this reply:

Dear Otto,Thank you telling us about the little green army man in your can of Fancy Feast. We sincerely apologize for any harm that this may have caused. We abide by the most strict factory cleanliness and quality guidelines, and can offer no explanation for why you found a little green army man in your can of Salmon and Cod Fancy Feast.

I’ve forwarded this email to our quality control department. I’d like to request that, if possible, you reply with the lot number on the can in question. That will help us determine how this might have possibly happened. Any other specific information you might have would also be extremely helpful.

In regards to recipes that use Fancy Feast, I can honestly say that this is the first time such a request has been asked. We do our best to make flavorful meals for cats, and have not yet had the need to suggest recipes for our product. I might also suggest that Fancy Feast, while safe, is not produced for human consumption.

If I can be of any assistance in the future, feel free to email me directly.


PS: Are you sure Boris is a he? Usually, calico cats are female.


Charles emailed me faster than anyone has ever emailed me. Within minutes. I’m going to send him one of my nutcakes for being so prompt. I will also send him the little green army man, if I can figure out where I put it.

Boris has eight nipples! Of course he’s a he!


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