McDonalds & Cilantro

A few weeks ago I choked on Cilantro! It came right out my nose in a sneezing fit. So I became really concerned, because maybe McDonalds had cilantro? So I wrote them a letter, asking them about Herbs.

Dear McDonalds,Hi, my name is Otto, and I have a serious question regarding the food sold at McDonalds. I’m opposed to eating herbs. Do you use any herbs? In England, the H is not silent! So you say “Herbs”. In America, you ignore the H, and say “Herbs”. I’m opposed to cilantro especially. Do you have any food dishes with cilantro?

Also, lately, I’ve been eating a lot of sushi (raw fish!) and people have pointed out that I have a new, extreme body odor. The Olive Garden said I can’t come into their restaraunts because of my body odor, and non human friend named Benjamin (he’s a ficus tree). Does McDonalds allow strong odors and non humans to pay for food?

I’m very fond of Hamburglar. I think he’s fantastic. I often think about him. I’m a bit scared that if I’m eating a hamburger, he might come and try to steal it, but I know that’s just silly, because he’s not real. But sometimes Ronald shows up at restaraunts, maybe the Hamburglar will too?

Thank you for your kind consideration of my questions. I plan on spending a lot of money on milkshakes and hot apple pies if you don’t mind about how I smell, and my aversion to cilantro.

Thanks!

 

Days went by, and I was getting so hungry for a Filet O’Fish. Finally they replied to my email message. Can you believe that? You should! They’re famous, and they know how important I am, so they replied.

Hello Otto: 

Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald’s with your inquiry about herb content for our products.

I am sorry I am unable to answer your question as stated, because of our vast product line I would need to know what specific products you would like information about. Please feel free to contact us again with the products you like information for and we will be happy to respond.

Again, thank you for contacting McDonald’s. We hope to have the opportunity of serving you again soon under the Golden Arches.

Linda
McDonald’s Customer Satisfaction Department

 

She has a good point. They have a vast product line, so of course she couldn’t tell me about all of the cilantro they use. I’m not sure what she meant about Golden Archers. Maybe she’s confused about the Olympics and the archery events and Gold Medals.

I decided to write Linda back with some more specific information.

Linda,Thank you so much for replying to my email message! My name is Otto, and I was the one who asked about herb contents in your products. Thanks!

Wow, I didn’t know you had a vast product line, I mean, big sure, but vast. That word reminds me of the universe, because it’s vast. It’s bigger than our planet at least! But anyhow, I’m glad for the vast product line. I get tired of specific foods quickly, so having a lot to choose from is probably good. I’m pretty easy going.

I’m really really concerned about cilantro. Usually when I go to McDonalds I have the following (eaten in the exact order):

1. Hot Apple Pie
2. Hot Apple Pie
3. French Fries with salt, pepper, catsup, mayonnaise. (any size will do)
4. Strawberry Milkshake, split into two child cups
5. Milk, shaken vigorously, flipped from end to end at least 4 times.
6. Filet O’Fish
7. Chicken McNuggets (each have a name)
8. Glass of water (I bring that)

Is there any cilantro in the above list? I promise, there is none in my water. HAHA. Also, I’m considering changing out the Filet O’Fish for other items, perhaps quarterly or even monthly. I don’t eat beef since Carter was President (his lips), so do you have any sandwiches that are about the size of a Filet O’Fish that have no beef that will fit that slot? Maybe I could replace it with some pie?

Also, one thing you didn’t address or even seem concerned about in your last email message were my body odor (it’s OK to address, Olive Garden has banned me because of it, I need to know!) and my friend Benjamin. I know, I know, it all sounds so crazy, but it keeps me going. I’ve had a rollercoaster of a life, and things like my friend Benjamin the ficus tree and 90 degree angles keep me going. Could you let me know if my strong body odor and ficus tree would be allowed?

Thanks!

 

I waited a long time for a response. I thought that maybe Linda got fired or something, or maybe she was ill. I was thinking that if I knew her address I’d send her a care package, with the best remedy ever – cod liver oil. They squeeze the livers of all those cod to get a drop of oil. What a rare item! Such a long time later, Linda responded:

Hello Otto:The products you inquire about have no cilantro. Some of the products may indeed contain flavors or ingredients derived from plants that might be considered herbs.

Regarding your extreme body odor and tree, McDonald’s welcomes everyone to their restaraunts. We would ask, however, that you respect the wishes of other customers as well, and try to limit the amount of time you spend at our restaraunts when your odor is most extreme. I might also suggest that most of our restaraunts have indoor plants that have been planted to provide a fresh environment. Perhaps bringing your own tree is less important because of that.

Might I also suggest using the Drive Thru windows. This way, you’ll be able to enjoy McDonald’s food without feeling concerned about your body odor or tree.

Again, thank you for contacting McDonald’s. We hope to have the opportunity of serving you again soon under the Golden Arches.

Linda
McDonald’s Customer Satisfaction Department

 

Victory! Victory! Benjamin ficus, my extreme body odor and I are having ourselves some Filet O’Fish. Eat that Olive Garden!

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